Bhut Jolokia
by 0-moonwind
Summary: Another one of Rick's little tricks leads to a a very painful experience for Wheatley. After the events of Portal, Wheatley lives with Chell in a peaceful, quiet house. Android!Wheatley, no Chelley this time. Short, one-shot.


"Um... Chell?"

Chell looked up from her book, one eyebrow raised.

Her friend stood in the doorway to her room, a puzzled look on his metallic face.

She nodded, urging him to continue.

He shuffled one foot, looking away for a second, a slightly nervous expression creeping into his black and blue eyes.

Chell tilted her head. What was he nervous about?

"Rick gave me this... Thing. It's... I honestly don't know what it is. Some kind of food, maybe? It's red, small, kind of looks like a vegetable of some sort. Has a few of those leave things on top of it, and it's a little odd looking. He told me... What did he tell me?... Oh, he told me to... I couldn't make out what he was saying, really. He was laughing a little, though I don't really know why... Well, not a little, he was laughing so much it was hard to understand him."

Chell sighed. Another trick from the Adventure Core, it seemed. It wouldn't surprise her if the "vegetable" Wheatley was describing had some sort of extremely sour flavor to it. Like last time Rick had a "gift" for them. She didn't try it, of course. She knew what had been coming. But, like always, he hadn't.

Androids did have a sense of taste, and they could eat (which by Chell's standards of Aperture, was strange even for them). It was a sort of alternate source of power if there was no way of charging off of electricity. Wheatley had only had to resort to it once, and that was when there had been a month of absolutely no power.

She stood up from the edge of her bed, interrupting Wheatley's waterfall of words.

He stared blankly at her for a moment, then shook his head.

"Um, it's in the kitchen," he said finally, turning to walk down the hallway.

Chell sighed and followed him, wincing as the loud creaking of floorboards reached her ears. Being especially sensitive to sudden noises wasn't exactly a blessing.

Her eyes widened as she entered the kitchen, her gaze resting upon a clear bag of what Rick had brought them.

Oh, this wouldn't be good.

She grabbed Wheatley's shoulder, her grip iron as she realized exactly what those vegetables were. She remembered seeing a photo of it on her computer once, the shriveled red skin and soft, spiky-looking leaves.

He turned his head to her, giving her a questioning look.

"What is it? They're not explosive or anything, at least, I don't think..." he trailed off, about ready to go on a ramble about how it could or could not be potentially dangerous, when he breathed in loudly and narrowed his eyes.

"What's wrong?" he managed to keep his awkward speech in, walking forward to the mysterious objects on the table.

Chell let go of him hesitantly. Rick wouldn't go that far, would he? He should know Chell would figure out what they were. They must only resemble it, even he certainly would not even be able to get his hands on such a thing...

In her thoughts, she hadn't noticed Wheatley had opened the bag, the soft crinkling not able to puncture her mind's wondering.

He grabbed one of the cherry-red objects, and raised it to his face. He hesitantly sniffed the item, then held it out as far as he could up to the light on the ceiling.

Chell blinked, trying to clear away her thoughts.

As Wheatley investigated the small object, she noticed a white piece of folded paper just next to the bag.

Reaching out one hand, she grabbed the note and opened it slowly, as if expecting something to pop out of it the moment it unfolded. She read it with interest, pausing to look over her shoulder every few seconds to make sure her friend hadn't done anything stupid.

_"Hey, pretty-face,_

_I bet you already know what this stuff is. Smart young lady like you would know, of course._

_Anyway, I know how protective you are of that moron._

_But, listen, could you keep quiet this time?_

_Just this once, for old Rick? Beautiful lady like you wouldn't let a guy down, right?_

_Just a little prank of mine. Believe me, you won't regret letting him have one. Hours of entertainment. Better than any old comedy show, you'll get a good laugh, I promise._

_C'mon. Just this once? Let old Rick finally get a few tricks in?_

_By the way, the smell from this stuff's kinda intense. Not too intense for me, of course. But I'd hold your nose if I were you. It doesn't really smell bad, but kinda stings your nose._

_Alright, pretty lady, Rick's finished here."_

Chell snorted, much less than flattered from his compliments.

She looked over the note to the bag again, the hot feeling of anger rising in her chest. How Rick had actually gotten them was beyond her, it was illegal to grow them unless you had a license, and they were almost impossible to find in a shop. But he really had gone too far.

He thought Chell, who had always been a sort of guide for Wheatley, would let him actually suffer that kind of pain, for entertainment?

How short-sighted was he?

Her pupils shrank to pinpoints, and the gray irises showed their metal-like look even more.

But in her thoughts, she was completely unaware of what Wheatley was doing behind her, pacing back and forth on the white tile.

He muttered to himself, pondering about the strange object that was now clutched tightly in his fist, his words slurred and quiet.

"It's-it's red... What food's red?... Well, you have tomatoes and strawberries, but this doesn't look like a tomato or strawberry... Actually, it might just be a very misshaped strawberry... But it doesn't have those little seeds on the outside... Maybe it's a cherry... Wait, aren't cherries round?..."

He continued to ramble, unaware of his friend, who was currently in a position of perfect posture and blazing rage in the gray eyes.

He sniffed it again, tasting a faint burning in his mouth, and drew back quickly.

What kind of food burned? Wasn't food supposed to taste good? Burning would just hurt! Humans were more odd than he imagined.

Well, maybe burning wouldn't hurt. Maybe it was only a little stinging and a truly fantastic flavor?

Yes, that must be it, Wheatley finally decided. Well, he wouldn't know unless he tried it, right?

"Mm... Maybe I should ask Chell..." he mumbled, turning to look at his friend. He went rigid with fear as he saw the distant anger in her eyes.

Perhaps shaking her out of her thoughts wasn't the best idea.

"Uh... Well, maybe it won't burn..." he said hopefully, not taking the notion that eating wasn't really recommended for him to do unless necessary into account.

He lifted the object to his face, and took a small bite from the end of it.

A small amount of the juice inside dripped onto the floor, and the rest was already in his mouth.

At first, it tasted a bit like what a potato chip would, and no burning at all was felt. Wheatley was fairly surprised. Despite what it smelled like, it was actually pretty good!

Suddenly the flavor faded, and a strange bitter taste replaced it.

Then the taste grew stronger, until it began to feel like it was searing his mouth with fire. It stung a little, then the fire grew to a roaring inferno, and his metallic face went from white as snow to blood-red.

He felt his optics beginning to fill with saltwater, the android equivalent of tears.

A nervous smile crept onto his face, despite the agony in his mouth, and he gave a nervous laugh. The laugh grew louder, and transformed into a frightened yell within seconds.

Chell jumped, and whipped around to find her friend dashing back and forth in between the kitchen and living room, screaming bloody murder like he was being chased by some invisible killer.

She reached out one arm once he was within reach and grasped his jacket, pulling him towards her. He struggled so violently Chell had to pin him against the wall to get him to calm down. She gave him a stern look, silently asking him what was the matter.

He sputtered, barely able to make any sound other than "AAAGGG!".

"It's- Abluh- ahhh- mslmha- NO!"

Chell held his shoulders tightly, and shook him vigorously, trying to get something that actually made sense out of him.

That was when she spotted the half-gone item held in his left hand.

Her eyes widened to the point you could see red veins around the rims, and she let go of his torso, grabbing his hand instead.

He gasped, startled by the immediate lack of pressure on him, and grasped the object tighter in his fist.

Chell practically had to wrestle his fingers away from the item. Her hands were red from the effort.

Wheatley gritted his teeth together so loud she could hear them, and blinked multiple times, more calm but still in pain.

"Ugh- agh, god. Bloody hell. Ch-Chell, do something, it burns!" he screamed the last two words, pleading with his best friend, lying helplessly on the floor.

Chell stared for a moment, unsure of what to do, then tossed the object behind her, and grabbed his hand to help him up.

He placed one hand on her shoulder, and breathed heavily, eyes closed.

"Wh-what was that?"

Chell, both eyebrows raised, let go of him for a moment to get her notepad and a pencil.

She was back at his side within seconds, writing something down faster than he believed anyone could possibly write.

She handed the note to him, grasping his arm in both hands tightly.

The handwriting was sloppy, but he could still make it out.

"Bhut jolokia, or ghost pepper. Hottest known food in the world," he read breathlessly aloud.

Chell nodded, and snatched the paper away from him, pulling him to the kitchen sink.

* * *

><p><strong>That took a lot longer to write than it should have.<strong>

**I hope you enjoyed reading, it took me awhile to get an idea for another Portal fanfic. Inspired by the people from smpfilms on YouTube eating some ghost peppers. They truly are the hottest food on earth. **

**And writing Rick's note was very hard. For some reason, getting his personality right was really hard. But it was fun imagining Wheatley freak out! So there's a good thing! Look, positivity! Amazing, considering it's coming from me.**

**Meant to finish and upload it yesterday (the first of April) but a lot happened and I was really busy. So, imagine it was published yesterday, okay?  
><strong>


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